The Tale of Dresslad
by meera reed
Summary: In the Land of Gondor, there lived a Dresslad...
1. Chapter 1

The Tale of Dresslad : Part One

Inside the wooden doors of The Prancing Pony, it would seem as any other night. It stood alive with music and hearty laughter; dwarves, elves, men, hobbits and more all joined together in drink, conversation. It was a lively night, indeed, not that many nights in the little inn were anything but. Though, this night was different. And only one person could tell that it was so. By the stables, there stood a young woman. Her long, brown hair blew freely in the wind as she looked upon the lit up inn. Her green eyes glinted with dread as she stared, one hand remaining on her horses reigns.

"Stay calm, Joffrey." She spoke beneath her breath to the horse, "This night is far from over."

x

Inside the walls, there was the usual sight one should expect from the Pony. Smoke hung in the air as clouds hung in the sky, and men and women of different species conversed together in peace. There was one, though, in the darkest corner of the pub, that sat alone. The man stroked a small lute in his hand, too quietly for anyone else to notice the out of tune strums, in fact it was not until he a woman began to dance that he spoke at all.

"And now milady Melete does the crabwalk dance!" He spoke in good humour, rising from his seat and pulling back his hood, "Such strange happenings."

The man had a strange resemblance to Boromir of Gondor, only more... animated. He pulled forth his lute, not taking heed to the strange glances he received as he stepped to the centre of the Pony. "This is a song I learned back in Gondor... we call it The Song of Gondor."

One man named Eringyl ignored this man, but he cared not. Instead, his voice boomed out with glorious talent, "IN THE LAAAAND OF GONDOR, THERE LIVED A DRESSLAD. HIS FAMILY SO POOR, HE HAD TO WEAR HIS SISTERS CLOTHES. HE SOBBED EVERY NIGHT, BUT NO ONE CARED. SO NOW HE IS LOOKING FOR A MAIDEN, SOMEONE WHO IS FAIR. SO HE COMES TO THE PONY, AND MEETS LOVELY WOMAN. AND NOW THE POOR DRESSLAD IS A HAPPY DRESSLAD INDEED."

One fool named Slambasket jokingly commented, "I feel a lot better about my music now." But, no one cared about Slambasket. And that, not because he had a faggy name, but- no, actually it was because he had a faggy name.

"IN THE LAND OF THE PONY," His voice belted out once more, "GIRLS DO THE CRABWALK..."

A man named Kedryk left for bed, another wishing him that Brother Irmo may give him pleasant dreams. No one knew what the fuck he was talking about.

"DRESSLAD DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT, BUT LOVES IT EVER SO. THE LADIES DANCE FOR DRESSLAD AND DRESSLAD SMILES AT THEM," He smiled, "FAR FROM THE LAND OF GONDOR, HE FINALLY MADE SOME FRIENDS."

"ONE DAY HE MET A WOMAN NAMED RUINWEN, SHE STOLE HIS HEART AWAY. SO HE LEFT HER FOR BETHYN, BUT SHE WAS A WHORE ANYWAY. SO ON HE WENT TO MELETE; THE BRAVE BEAR WARRIOR. AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER."

Ruinwen glared at Dresslad, while some fool named Dunstor began to dance around "like a man". No one had the heart to tell the fool that he was an idiot. The fair wench of Bethyn stood cooly, her eyes on Dresslad as she spoke in a threatening manner, "I'm happy to say that reporting is a very simple thing."

But, Dresslad gave no care to the wench. After all, she was a whore anyway. The songs of his homeland stated so, therefore it was known.

"THIS SONG IS KINDA BORING," He sang, continuing on to sing of more things until a strange man began to make strange movements with his hands. Dresslad, being ever so observant, took notice immediately and so cleverly added to his song, "GUY KEEPS MAKING SASSY FINGER MOVEMENTS, AND THIS IS WHY HE'LL NEVER GET LAID."

Slambasket of Faggor spoke up once more, "Weeeelp, this looks like it's under control." No one replied to his comment.

As Dresslad continued his song, an elf-bitch named Hethon slapped him on the cheek. Being the Dresslad he was, he worked it into his bard, "I JUST GOT SLAPPED, BUT I DON'T REALLY FEEL IT. ALTHOUGH IT KIND OF STINGS, I HOPE IT WON'T BRUISE IN THE MORNING."

Dunstor once more began to "dance like a man", though this time he added in a few backflips to his number. Perhaps he thought this was a show, that he was cool. But, alas, he was only a sad little Dunstor that would never get laid.

"GUY WONT STOP DANCING, DOESNT HE REALIZE THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY GAY? AND THATS COMING FROM A GUY IN A DRESS."


	2. Chapter 2

The Tale of Dresslad: Part Two

By this time, The Pony had become fogged with smoke. All this thanks to the men with never ending supplies of tobacco in their fucking pipes. Dresslad remained in his spot, singing merrily on as his abs galloped with the strength of his diaphragm. He was a strong Dresslad indeed, for any other man could not bear to sing for so long. Though, at the sight of much smoke, his eyes began to water slightly. It could have been for the reason that everyones eyes water at the presence of smoke, but for Dresslad it was a reminder of a treacherous pastime...

"SOME GUY IS SMOKING," He sang passionately, "DONT YOU KNOW THAT GIVES YOU BREAST CANCER? SMOKING IS REALLY BAD, MY MOTHER DIED FROM IT." The heartbreak was evident in his voice, as it quivered and shook with the ghosts of his past, he looked down.

"ITS NOT REALLY FUNNY TO SMOKE IN FRONT OF ME." His head rose dramatically once more, his voice as strong as ever yet. Triumphantly, he continued his song, "CAUSE I'LL BURN THE HEART OUT OF YOU. AND STICK IT ON A SPIKE IN GONDOR."

No one stopped smoking.

"GONDOR HAS A LOT OF SPIKES AND REALLY COOL CLOTHES, THIS DRESS WASNT FROM GONDOR. THATS WHY ITS NOT REALLY COOL. FUCK YOU SUSAN BOYLE."

In the background, a maid Darrla took a low swig from her whiskey and cracked her neck to the side. She shook her head and frowned. "Seems the minstrels aren't getting any better here..." And with that, she turned on her foot and moved out of the main room. No one cared though.

_Women._

Slambucket began to dance once more, quite gayly, in fact. Not the happy gay, though. No, no. Slambucket was a boy of Faggor. This was the homosexual kind of dancing. It crossed the minds of few that he kept "dancing like a man" to prove himself a man, but alas, he was a sad little faggorman.

"MORE GAY DANCING," Dresslad sang in commentary, "NOW GIRL IS WALKING AWAY, NOW LADY IN A WITCH HAT IS FOLLOWING HER." Some felt that this was now a sports broadcasting type of event, in which their every move was sung out by the beautiful voice of Dresslad.

But, they were wrong. _They were wrong._

The Lady in a witch hat looked back, excusing herself for some reason no one knew nor cared about. Her name was Neferishit- or Neferious. Who fucking knows.

"NEFERIOUS LOOKS LIKE ELLEN DEGENERAS," He bursted out, and the population of the pub nodded in agreement. "THATS REALLY AWKWARD. MAYBE SHE SHOULD LET HER HAIR GROW OUT... PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA."

Leandir says, "Pah. I have outrunned even Brother Alexander's horse." No one points out to Leandir that the correct word was 'outrun'.

"ALEXANDERS HORSE IS DEAD, SAD TO SAY, BUT LUCKILY HE DIED IN THE DOTHRAKI WAY." Dresslad was pleased with his rhyme, promising that he would buy himself a slim jim in celebration of this achievement.

Across the room, the doors opened once more. In walked two people, a man who stood tall and was very muscled, with blue eyes and hair, and by his side a lady who stood slender and tall, though not as tall as he. She had brown hair and grey eyes. _The eyes of a Stark, _no one thought.

Dresslad knew who these two were though, and so he sang once more. "ONCE THERE WAS A GIRL ARYA, SHE HAD REALLY GAY HAIR. AND THEN THERE WAS A GUY NAMED GENDRY, HE WAS PRETTY GAY TOO."

They started to cry.

"AND THEN THEY STARTED TO CRY. I'D SAY I'M SORRY TO ARYA AND GENDRY- ONLY I'M NOT."

"AND THEN THERE WAS A BITCH NAMED DAN. WELL HER NAME WAS ACTUALLY DANY, BUT I CALL HER DAN BECAUSE FUCK HER..." No one caught his actual mistake in typing, and he padded himself on the back mentally for the save. And then thought, _what the fuck I cannot type, this is Middle Earth..._ "AND SHE GOT RAPED ON HER WEDDING NIGHT."

Dresslad was slapped once more on the cheek by a wench of the name of Adenavae. What a weird ass name, he thought to himself, she must have had to get "creative" with the name whilst making a character, because the one she wanted was taken. Fuck...

"NEXT STORY IS ABOUT A HEAD, SITTIN ON A SPIKE, THE HEAD STRANGELY LOOKS A LOT LIKE MINE... ONLY ITS NOT."

It was.

"THEN THERE WAS A GUY NAMED DROGO HE DIDNT DIE IN A MANLY WAY OH AND JUST SO YOU ALL KNOW, I'M NOT TALKIG ABOUT FRODOS DAD." He really wasn't. "I'M TALKING ABOUT A BIG GUY WHOS REALLY VERY GAY."

Dresslad sings, 'AND NOW THERES A GIRL NAMED SANSA WHO'S WAY TOO TALL FOR HER AGE. BITCH DOESNT EVEN LOOK 13. SHES ACTUALLY WAY TOO HOT TO BE 13." A million miles away, Ned Stark shivers.

Behind Dresslad, a man stood. This scared dear Dresslad greatly, for he screamed out in song, "OMG WHERE TH FUCK DID THAT GUY BEHIND ME COME FROM? THAT ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A GIANT TURD. HOW THE HELL DID HE GET BEHIND ME? THIS IS JUST ABSURD." Another slim jim to add to the list.

Another man, by the name of Welduf (Wtf), sighed. "Sigh, you may fire when ready commander. *Reports*." No one knows how he was able to speak two stars before and after the word "reports", and perhaps no one ever will.


	3. Chapter 3

The Tale of Dresslad: Part Three

The Pony was not so as full as it was only an hour before, but the inn was still full. The folk grew tired of Dresslad's bards, and few even began to pray to Brother Imro for good dreams to venture their minds far from this experience. What they did not know, however, was that that was complete bullshit. And were it not complete bullshit, it still would do little to help them from the bards next topic for his never ending song.

"THEN THERE WAS JOFFREY AND EVERYONE CALLED HIM A LITTLE SHIT, BUT HE REALLY DOESNT LOOK LIKE SHIT." He actually did.

"THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME LOOKS LIKE SHIT."

The guy in front of him did, indeed, also look like shit. Leandir spoke, "My lands hold no emnity against yours, but I am curious as to your story of how you came to be here instead of the East." What Leandir didn't know, was that no one gave a fuck about him and the 15 minutes he took trying to figure out the middle earth-ian way to say those words.

"LIKE SERIOUSLY WHERE DID HE GET THESE CLOTHES?" Dresslad continued gallantly, "DID HE FIND THEM IN THE SEWERS OF ROHAN? THIS SONG IS GAY." He suddenly sang, "VERY GAY." He repeated in high notes, "AND IF YOU GUYS FIND THIS DISGUSTING YOU MUST BE 12, WHICH IS REALLY FUNNY. BECAUSE I'M OLDER THAN YOU." He and Andrew laughed heartily.

"NOW BACK TO THE STORY ABOUT THAT GUY NAMED NED," A million miles away, Ned Stark came into his wife. "HE LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE ME, SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL? GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME NED. YOU'RE DEAD AND I'M ALIVE-" A million miles away, Ned Stark is beheaded "-STOP TRYING TO BE ME. IT'S ACTUALLY A CRIME."

While the bard sang his song, he was not aware of a few plotting against him. Welduf (Wtf) whispered to the whore, Bethyn (seriously that is such a whore name), "Click our report button as one brothers and sisters!" No one knew of such a button, but no one said anything, they didn't want to seem dumb.

Bethyn the whore replied with a whore-y grin, "Already have and it's being resolved they said." The reader can only assume that by "they", she means the demons that conjured her. It is known.

"A SAD TALE I TELL, ABOUT THE TIME I GREW UP IN GONDOR WEARING A DRESS. ALL THE KIDS MADE FUN OF ME... I WAS SUCH A MESS. THEY DIDNT UNDERSTAND MY PAIN, SO I KILLED THEM ALL. MY MURDERS MAKE ME SO ANGRY, SOMETIMES I JUST CRY. I HATE THE THINGS THAT I HAVE DONE!" He weeped and sang at the same time.

Adenavae slapped Dresslad on the cheek, and he secretly grew aroused at the contact. For just this once, he was grateful that he wore a dress.

"WHY OH WHY OH WHYYYY?" He cried out, his lute suddenly turning into a banjo as he strung out a solo. Everyone stared in a mixture of disbelief, shock and _slight_ admiration. Even the whore was amazed at his skilled fingering on the banjo.

Bjalfi inhaled deeply from his pipe, saying something that no one really cared about but felt obligated to listen to since he just inhaled from a pipe. Behind him, the doors opened again, and the girl with long, dark hair and green eyes strode in. Her eyes fell on the sobbing forms of Arya and Gendry, but soon they found Dresslads.

Upon seeing her, his face split into a sneer, and he sang once more. "NOW I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT MEERA REED, SUCH A DICK HEAD SHE IS. I HATE HER STUPID FACE. MEERA I'M GOING TO COME FIND YOU," His eyes narrowed, "AND RAPE YOU TILL YOU BLEED-" Across the world, the feminists all look up simultaneously "- AND WHEN YOU BEG FOR MY MERCY, I'LL LAUGH AND SAY 'HEE HEE'."

Rynwyn did something, but all anyone could focus on was her name. Rynwyn. _Rynwyn_. Meera glared at her arch enemy as he sang.

"MEERA THINKS SHES SO COOL, BUT REALLY SHES A FOOL. SHE THINKS SHES GONNA MARRY BRAN, BUT HE CANT EVEN WALK. HOW WOULD THEY DO IT ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT? WHEN HE CANT EVEN WALK?" He drew in a breath, "I HOPE THEY NEVER MAKE BABIES, CAUSE THEY'D BE REALLY DUMB AND IF THEY HAD BABIES, I'D ALWAYS CALL THEM DUMB."

Adenavae sat down, listening to Leandir speak about a silver gauntlet. She wants his dick. She wants it. Sellodlin eyed the man smoking. He wants his dick. He wants it. Bjalfi nodded, and then looks to the woman to his left. "I was injured in battle a few days ago, but I am healing well, already having received treatment."

Meera thought perhaps Bjalfi had received his treatment from the Westerling, but the entire realm knew she was probably too busy boning Robb Stark. What was the point of these last two paragraphs? I don't know.

Meera fades away.

"THEN THERE WAS SER JORAH, A BEAR MAN LIKE MELETE. HE GOT BEATEN SO BAD, BUT HE WAS TOTALLY OKAY." He really was okay. Dany touched his face and suddenly he was okay, true story.

Zakhaev cheered at Dresslad.

Who the fuck is Zakhaev.


	4. Chapter 4

The Tale of Dresslad: Part Four

And here, in these last few moments, took place the last few moments of Dresslad the Bard.

"HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT DANY?" Dresslad sang excitedly, the skirt of his dress lifting about two inches. The best part of his song came next, the part of Daenerys. He had sang of her before, but no one cared to remind him. He would not have listened anyway, there was no stopping the Dresslad. "THE BIGGEST HOE IN THE LAND!"

Zakhaev spoke once more, words that no one listened to as no one knew who the fuck this guy was. "It's humorous." He exclaimed, earning a grunt from Bjalfi. What the fuck kind of name is that, while we are on the subject. Did he keysmash his name?

"COULDNT MAKE HER MIND UP BETWEEN JORAH AND DROGO,"

Celwyna the bitch gave a stranger a smile, the wanton mistress of the night. She soon said something, but as she is a woman, no one took any recognition to her words.

"BITCH WILL NEVER GET A MAN." Dresslad sang out happily, no knowing what would soon become of himself.

It was then that Dresslad fell. Pushed out the doors of The Prancing Pony by strange, black smoke that twirled around his body and flew him somewhere unknown. He screamed as this happened, confused and scared and other emotions that would happen.

As Dresslad was torn from The Prancing Pony, Adenavae hails Hitler/Weldulf (Wtf), and across the faithful screen of Ruinwen, the words "Your friend, Dresslad, has gone offline."

"Dresslad has gone link dead from your Fellowship."

Hitler/Weldulf (Wtf) hails Adenavae.

And so ended the tale of Dresslad, the poor young soul from Gondor. Or, so the demons of The Prancing Pony thought...

x

And only one person could tell that it was not the end, but merely the beginning. By the stables, stood Meera once more. Beside her loyal steed, watching the black mist faded into the nights sky. She knew this man would soon be back, and more powerful than ever before. "He will be back, Joffrey." She spoke beneath her breath to the horse.

"Dresslad will have his revenge."


End file.
